NewTwitterNotification: “Danlad wassup?, You
coming to the GIG at Michael’s house?”
This was a DM(DirectMessage) I got from Asamoah
on the 24th of december 2012. Asamoah whom I
call “A$AP Blackey” was my very first Ghanian
friend, he was tall, dark(y’all know) and he was
from a rich background, 4th and the only son out of
the family of 8 (5kids, 2wives, 1Husband). At
17(same age as I was), Asamoah already knew how
to drive as he blackmailed the drivers into giving
him car keys to go anywhere he wanted.
Cut the details short, he was a spoilt brat lost in a
Garden city belonging to victoria (VGC).
Michael was Asamoah’s snr in school (Greensprings
to be precise). Did I tell you how endowed
asamoah’s sisters were? I don’t know how they do
the magic but Ghanian girls rock!!!!!!!.
Well, back to reality .
Me: “Dude, I am broke, my Uncle travelled and I got
no Tfare, talkless of tickets to enter Micheal’s
Asamoah: ”Lol! Ur 419 uncle don run from EFCC
again? No worry, I go come pick you, and ticket is a
Boy n a Girl”
Asamoah: “Abeg I beg you, no carry babe wey u get
feelings for come oh!, heard there will be pools and
lotta empty rooms”
Asamoah: “Sha check the details @ my last tweet”
At this point, as a young cultured boy from a
humble home, I was wondering: “what type of event
centre do pools and rooms?”. Mind you, I attended a
government school(Secondary) somewhere in Ajah,
Lagos. Recently moved in with my uncle to assist
him in his business, and the only time I got to touch
the Steering of his Honda EOD and Toyota Prado
was when I was washing the cars. Trust me, I wash
car sotey I almost went to PEAK Talent show to
showcase my car washing talent . Ohh! Did I tell
you that Kida Kudz was Michael’s buddy?
However, the new question now is: “How Did I get
to associate with these rich kids?” Lol!, Shoutout to
RCCG City Of David parish and Jesus Embassy
Parish. If you know those churches, you will
understand my point. And when I role with my
uncle (who stays in a neighbouring estate on lekki
expressway), you will think am one hell of an
Ajebota(Born with Silver spoon).
(Back to convo)
Me: Aiite Bro, but abeg you go borrow me that your
Christian Louboutin shoes oh! Which of d event
Asamoah: Ahaha! Charlie, I go bring Chucks for you
jare. And its at Micheal’s house. Him papa don
travel, e mama na soji woman”
Like seriously? How spoilt can these kids be? Na me
go get mind host party for my Papa house? Abi na
my mama go gree make I invite friends for party?
Well, as a comfirm Edo boy, I arranged, packaged
and ironed my characters.
Was about replying when MTN sent me a message
that I exhausted my MB(I wished they sent it
earlier!!!!!!), then I used the last 10naira to
“MB don finish oh Guy, abeg help me arrange any
greensprings girls.. I no wan carry classmates wey
dey on lowcut go dia fah. And when u come, shout
well well make my uncle wife hear you say “Today is
a special Xmas Eve hosted by the City Of David’s
Youth! Why you never bath?”. Charlie abeg no fall
my hands!! OUTTAHERE!”
Then I dropped my Nokia X2 asap, ran to do the
chores (Please if you are a married woman,
married to a wealthy man, don’t ever treat his
siblings/Family Badly. Abeg!!!) . Even with my
Uncle wife’s 3 sisters[Esther(22),Faith(18),Abigail
(16)] around, I still had to do the works, while they
behave like they started from the bottom with my
uncle. Hence, the reason I started calling myself
the Lekki Houseboy. Definitely not a cool
experience I tell you. Seeing your uncle being
controlled by some woman because her Dad is a
major contract provider, and ME, that came to chop
company money now being used as houseboy..
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After the chores, I picked one or two clothes my
uncle gave to me before he travelled.
Straight to the backyard to wash the Paul Smith
shirt in it. “Oh Lord! God Bless that tailor!!” I said
in my mind as I stood to laugh at the XL on the label
right on the reflection of me in the windows. The
tailors opposite the estate are my best friends by
the way, to the extent that once they see me at
their door, the say “Uncle don dash you again?”,
and sometimes, I tell them I don’t have money and
they do it free for me. (As a comfam customer).
Getting to the backyard, I saw a blessing in
disguise!!! Lol! Well, let me tell you why I had to
wash at the backyard. My Uncle’s wife caught me
washing my clothes in my ROOM and made me
starve for days, calling me a village boy. Which was
true, as I spent my first 14years in the village. But
she now ordered I start washing my clothes at the
backyard, and this faithful day was my very first.
Which marked the end of an Era
Earpiece plugged to my ear with Davido’s Dami
Duro song Jamming, I headed to the backyard.
Passing the store room, I felt like I was shouting
because I was singing along to the rave of the
moment, so I paused my music to test my voice, but
what I heard was a soft moan coming from the store
room. This was strange! As the store room was
ummm.. A store room. So I positioned myself, like
the way I used to do when I wanna watch
Indecency from neighbour’s window. (R.I.P Dayo
As I drew closer to the window, the moaning
became clearer! Damn, it was just like it was in
Indecency. As it was a store room, it had no cottons
and the window wasn’t completely closed. But the
sun was rising, I immediately remembered
something about shadows in physics, so I applied
physical calmness. As I tiptoed to the window like a
Ninja, I saw Abu. Abu was a family friend to my
uncle who came to visit earlier in the morning. But I
couldn’t see the girl he was on due to the small
opening on the window.
I tried guessing, this was when I remembered
Abigail and Faith went out in the morning while I
was washing their sister’s car. So, I concluded it
was Esther, in these thoughts, I tiptoed back to
where I abandoned my Mission “Wash Paul Smith”
for party. Standing, bitting my nails and thinking of
what JACK SPARROW would have done, I
reminisced on things Esther had done to me.
Treating me like an house boy, making me eat left
overs and even insulting my Mum/Dad.. Which I
hated so much!!!!
Oh My!, I was so lost in thoughts to remember that
I was having a hard on from the live Indecency I
just watched. I had to position my lagbaja
(Penees,Deeck,Anyhow ) very well when I got back
to reality, so, I headed back to the house, leaving
the bucket, soap(bathing soap, she refused giving
me omo), and the shirt.. Straight to the house with
my evil thoughts.
In my Perry Cole boxers, Lagbaja was now flaccid
when I entered the house, behold.. I got the shock
of the year!!! (Ok! It was december 24th, and it was
the shock of the year at that time.)
I opened the Door, looking straight to the direction
of my room when someone called from the kitchen
wing “Danladii!!”.. At this Moment, I was like a
confused confuse(no word for it I guess ). The
rate at which Lagbaja inflated couldn’t be
determined at that moment, . All I knew was that
If Perry Cole saw me in those boxers, he would be
depressed. . I managed to look back, and there
she was, standing closed to the dinning table, still
in her nighties, her hair scattered. And I stood,
praying that God turns me into an Owl(Do you
know owls can turn their heads in 360degrees?
Well, now we know. ) .