1. Drinking alcohol
Early 20s: How much of this vodka from a plastic bottle can I drink before I puke?
Late 20s: How much of this wine can I drink before I involuntarily pass out at 10pm?
Early 20s: [in grocery store] Ok, where’s the cheapest bottle or box of wine that I can find? I’ll take that one.
Late 20s: [in grocery store] Ok, where’s a $20 bottle of wine that’s on sale for $15.99 that also has a nice label? I’ll take that one.
3. The definition of a “big night out”
Early 20s: RAGE! All-nighter, it’s 6am, let’s start daydrinking. I’ll sleep when I’m dead!
Late 20s: It’s midnight and I ate too much ravioli, I’ll sleep right fucking now actually.
Early 20s: Me and ten of my friends are hungover together, hair of the dog, brunch!
Late 20s: It’s just me, my headache, a delivery guy, and a Netflix marathon through half-closed eyes.
5. Other people’s opinions
Early 20s: I want you to like me!
Late 20s: Bitch I do what I want.
6. Eating vegetables
Early 20s: I bought the tomato, garlic, and onion Ragu.
Late 20s: How much kale, celery, romaine, chard, spinach and carrot can I fit into this smoothie without it tasting like it was literally blended from the dirt?
7. Eating junk food
Early 20s: Kraft mac & cheese, Doritos, McDonald’s… all in one day.
Late 20s: Kraft mac & cheese, bathroom, Doritos, bathroom, McDonald’s, bathroom, antacid, bathroom, bathroom, antacid.
Early 20s: ???????? Um, no thanks, I’m not a rabbit thank you very much.
Late 20s: In everything!!!!!!!!!!!!
9. The movies
Early 20s: Here, fill this Coke bottle with whiskey, sneak it in, then let’s makeout for a while!
Late 20s: Are you seriously trying to makeout with me right now? I’m watching a movie that I paid $15 to see!
10. Animated movies
Early 20s: Cartoons? Lame!
Late 20s: Let’s all go see the new Pixar movie at 7pm on a Friday night and cry at the end!
Early 20s: Something I do with another person that is reminiscent to dry humping.
Late 20s: Something I do completely by myself in my underwear in my kitchen listening to music from the 90s.
12. Speed limits
Early 20s: Is there a cop around? No? Weeeeeee!
Late 20s: I’m going to go maximum 5 mph over the speed limit because I am a safe and responsible driver. If that kid behind me doesn’t stop tailgating me soon, I’m going to go under the speed limit so they learn their lesson about speeding. I’m delivering my own brand of vigilante justice. I’m Batman in a Prius!
13. Driving, in general
Early 20s: I think driving recklessly is fun!
Late 20s: Those damn youths make me terrified of being on the road.
14. Cleaning your apartment
Early 20s: Hahahah, clean? Me? Are my parents coming to visit? No? Then, put that vacuum away, sir!
Late 20s: If this apartment is not clean by every Monday morning, then I am going to lose my goddamn mind!
Early 20s: Is someone going to have sex with me at the end ofthis hike? No? Ok, not going.
Late 20s: No, I cannot hang out Friday night, Janet, because my hike on Saturday morning is not going to hike itself!
Early 20s: OMG, does he/she like me baaaaaaack?! We hooked up, but I still don’t know!
Late 20s: We are either doing this thing or we’re not doing this thing, lemme know, I have shit to do.
17. The kitchen
Early 20s: A place that holds my microwave.
Late 20s: A place that holds the ingredients I will use to prepare meals with my own hands.
18. A clean kitchen
Early 20s: Ummmmm, yeah, I’ll just keep using dishes until I run out of clean dishes, then I will clean only one dish at a time as I need it, then when the sink is too full to even clean the one dish I need, I will relent and clean everything like I am on a coke high, except I won’t be, but it’ll feel like it.
Late 20s: My actual idea of torture would be if someone forced me to go to sleep before I was able to clean my kitchen.
19. Interior decorating
Early 20s: How much is that couch? Free off the street? Awesome, let’s get that one.
Late 20s: If my apartment does not look like an infusion of West Elm and Anthropologie, then someone is going to get cut.
Early 20s: Meh, too much effort.
Late 20s: If I don’t exercise, I believe my muscles will actually atrophy. Also, everything fucking hurts.
Early 20s: Something I drink to offset all the alcohol in my body.
Late 20s: Something I drink because my body is no longer working on autopilot and the struggle to survive is real.
Early 20s: Paper plates unless it’s Top Ramen or cereal in which case I will use the one IKEA bowl I have in my entire apartment.
Late 20s: Fancy, casual, ones with black and white stripes, bowls of varying depth: which do you prefer?
23. Things to drink other things with
Early 20s: I’m still using the red plastic cups I bought in bulk forthat beer pong championship.
Late 20s: I have red wine and white wine glasses, champagne flutes, juice carafes, coffee mugs, tea mugs, espresso cups. Basically, there is no drink you can throw my way that my cabinet does not have a proper container for. Come at me, beverages!
Early 20s: Uhhhh, organizing? You mean like putting my papers into binders and shit?
Late 20s: OMFG, organizing shit GIVES ME LIFE! I may have actually gotten turned on the last time I was in The Container Store. Take me home, varying sizes of plastic containers that come with adhesive labels!
25. Farmer’s Markets
Early 20s: Whyyyyyy mom, are you dragging me to this at 8:30 in the morning?!
Late 20s: Hey hon, get the reusable bags, let’s get there before 8am to get the freshest peaches!
26. Date Night
Early 20s: This is a thing old people do, right?
Late 20s: The actual only way we’re going to keep this relationship from falling apart.
Early 20s: Five hours and I’m good to go, let’s party!
Late 20s: My entire day and possibly my week will be ruined if I do not get minimum 8 hours of REM cycle sleep.
Early 20s: Here’s where I put my loose suggestions of when I should go to class, even though we both know I won’t make it to most of these. Plus, who needs a planner? I live and die by spontaneity!
Late 20s: I literally forget all my plans unless I put them into a planner, which reminds me I need to get some fucking Gingko Biloba for my broken memory.
29. People who are 25
Early 20s: Oldddddddd.
Late 20s: TO BE YOUNG AGAIN!