If You Missed Episode 14 Click HERE
“No be she oh ! Shey I told you?”.. The eyes said
to the eye with a mocking shocking badding
sincerity(Pardon) as I jerked out “Ssa..sa..same to
you” from my mouth. It wasn’t Joyce but Esther .
(On a second thought, why would the eyes even say
anything? Afterall they were all dimmed(you know
how ALBINOS dey close eye for inside sun nah) due
to the headache..
“So am now aunty right?” She said with a wide wild
*Chill! Those dimples weren’t moving me again
jare! Nor be say she get properties like her junior
sister self * (Gosh! I am tired of this smileys… I
need to learn new ones though )
“What are you doing?”.. I asked with shock while I
took a tour through what she was wearing. Like she
was the last person I expected to be standing by
the sink, and she was wearing a Bum Short(pefect
laps) and a shirt that has “I LOVE BJ” written on it..
“Ehehehehe! Good riddance to bad rubbish!”..
Lagbaja said as it tried waking up
*The tin never rest since yesterday sha!.. I bet the
BJ gave him a revelation *
“No! No!! No!!! You are already running things
with her sister remember?”.. I heard my conscience
speak for the first time since yesterday while I look
for a rag to clean the car.
Esther: The Car? They went to visit one of our uncle
that came to nigeria for christmas..
Esther: Yeah! The three of them, couldn’t go
because I was ill.
Me: Oh.. Ok ma.. (With some sad mind because the
thought of not seeing faith that morning was just
sad… And tempting because I was horn..y as
Esther: You will do the sweeping tho (she said as
she looked at me, waiting for my reply)
Me: As far as I get to sweep your room, I got no
problem (Damn those flirty smile I “felt I” used to
design my smile in 3D).. Nice shirt by the way! (I
said with a “YOLO” face.. Kpatakpata na slap I go
chop shey? )
Esther: Go and do your work.. Yeye boy!.. (She was
Smiling with her gap tooth on dislay oh!)
You will agree with me this is strange for a novice
like me shey? Esther wey mean pass my Yoruba
Teacher?(That man never smiles.. Either he was a
sadist or his dentition wasn’t good ).. Well, your
agreement wouldn’t help me anyways )
When I sweep, I usually start from my Uncle’s room
and kitchen would be my last stop. I actually don’t
sweep the ladies’ room,maybe they knew I will be
sniffing pan…ties like a dog (No! That was a joke..
Don’t think it too far ).
But on that faithful christmas day, I kinda started
from the kitchen(maybe because esther was in
there?) and I PERSONALY offered to sweep the
ladies room (Pssssh! I wanted to stalk faith )..
While I was sweeping the sitting room, Esther was
seated, eating Oats(Ori eh! On a christmas day? )
and she knew I don’t know how to eat it, so no need
to invite me(Even if I sabi, Christmas rice virus fit
leave my brain? )
Wasn’t really digging Esther in a special way, all I
had interests in was knowing why she seemed too
nice. I remember she was all laughing when she
was watching Disney Channel’s JESSY.. But damn I
was still having a hard-on!
“Wetin dey do you?”.. Mind questioned lagbaja..
“I swear no be me dey control me, e be like winchi
winchi for my eyesl”.. Lagbaja answered as I stood
up to stylishly check if the bony was visible enough
“Why do I even need to be sweeping this tiles
everyday huh? shoes wey dem dey wear inside
house clean pass plates wey Joyce wash, I sweep
the whole house put for parker and the dirty no fit
full my hand.. Abeg this parlor no dirty jor!.. Make I
go my main purpose of sweeping”.. I said in my
thoughts as I wondered what I was sweeping.
Seems Esther didn’t notice I left because she was
so lost in what she was watching (Ohh! She also
watches spongeball almost everyday ). Dropped
the broom(Or what do they call those things that
looks like brushes? ===> |_ ) in the kitchen
On getting to the room in which Abigail and Faith
shared, the first thing I noticed was the gown she
wore to the party.. Then I perceived that wonderful
scent that was all over me yesterday.
“C’mon! Go on and smell it.. Just like that movie you
watched”.. The mind motivated me as I went
straight to the bed the gown was on, smelled it and
voila.. Memories started flowing like Flow(One
thing I love about english is I can lie it is my own
expressiong when I don’t know the word to use ).
I guess I was missing the girl that raised my self-
esteem last night only for me to kill it again.
I didn’t care whether she was angry with me, or she
hated me.. All I wanted was to see her, even if I
won’t be able to say a word… I just wanted to see
“No! I refuse to feel weird(cry ) again!”.. I said to
myself as I stood up and entered the bathroom(in
their room). Nothing really special about the
bathroom except the fact that I could see myself in
the mirror, and I saw the Soft Monster I was
becoming. Trust me, I looked miserable!!. (Like how
do people not notice when am depress…ed? Its out
there.. They just believe my fake smiles? )
I spoke to the man in the mirror a little. Yeas, I
spoke to it, not in the mind but I spoke audible
words to it. I am not alone on this act I guess,
because I once caught(saw) my uncle talking to the
“You this man, what is wrong with you?” Was all I
could say before my lost Sanity came back to me,
got tired of looking at my sorry self then I decided I
was leaving the bathroom.
“Go on twitter” was all my mind could suggest as I
was leaving the bathroom.
Phone was charging and probably didn’t have
money to buy Data and browse, so I opted for
Esther’s Ipad which I didn’t think she would give to
me(Like why ask then? )
I went to the sitting room and sat on a chair that
the Ipad was on, stylishly looking for the perfect
moment to take it and ask her to type in her
password because I wanted to use it but I couldn’t
just get the right moment, so I joined her watching
Jessy, A.N.T farm, Goodluck Charlie, still counting
and I still haven’t asked her for the Ipad, instead, I
was enjoying the programmes . (This was funny
sha, unto say I grew up watching masquerades and
Barney B ..)
I miss those days kids have to wait till 4pm before
they start watching TV -BasketMouth said!
(Maybe I was born before color TV came out sha..
“Can I use your Ipad please?”.. I said. (Keh! Keh!!
Keh!!!). She didn’t hear me, ohhh! I was only
rehearsing it, I thought I said it aiidy .
“Can I use your Ipad please?”.. I said out loud..
Waiting for a question for a question.. (Like: For
what? Is it your Dad’s? Why?)
“Umm.. For what?”.. She said. (Dayuuum!!! She
gave me what I was expecting but not 100% like I
expected, she didn’t say it in a mean way )
“Just want to check some messages on facebook
and reply some emails for Uncle Daniel”.. I said.
(Lying was the only way I know )
“Alright.. You can have it”.. She said. na
for here I know say something is up!!
She gave me the password as I was forming “Mr.
Tech Geek”. Mind you, that was my second time
using an Ipad. (first was when I used it to Snap
Esther ) Thank God TweetDeck was right on the
home screen(how I for take tell am to open the app
for me? ) as I clicked it, manipulated till I
First tweet I saw was that of micheal retweeted by
Tobby’s handle. and it read “@____(me) n @_____
(faith) probably got around the bend because of the
APHRODI what? .. “No
wonder!!!!!!!!!!! “.. I said to myself as I
used my right hand to hold my lagbaja to see if it
was still standing(I forgot I would know withought
touching it ) and to the wonder works of whoever
was in charged, it was still very much on. This was
strange as I said earlier, as in, these men tools are
like snails and tortoise nah, why my own come dey
form snake(Folding inside its boxers when he
suppose enter e shell? )
I was still confused. Maybe Tobby was just being
sarcastic(No! It was micheal that tweeted it!!!), but
in checking out for more tweets, I decided to check
Faith’s profile to see if she tweeted, and to my
surprise, she didn’t. She even took off some tweets
and retweets she twEeted earlier(about me being
better now.. ). ..
“Wait oh! Abi na Aprhodicodi dey act on her that
time? Or she was just drunk? Or was it real
feelings? And am here killing myself?”.. I said to
myself.(Heeeeys! We know what I mean by
Aphrodicodi right? Like Aphrodisiac? Abeg google
am jare! Shewww..)
I didn’t know when I reached my room, sent a
“please call me” text to Asamoah and took like
forever before he called. Inshort, before he called, I
pulled my trousers down to see what lagbaja was
doing down there, and I didn’t even care if the door
was closed(another mistake? Iont think so). Behold,
the “snake” tool started pointing towards the
ceiling like say na pussay dey up there .
I drew my trouses + Boxer +Boxer up in a gifi as a
call came in, it was A$amoah calling me.
Me: Guy! Wetin una put for those drinks at the
party? (I said with a natural voice.. Faaaaack
borrowed ascent I tell you )
Asamoah: Did You drink from the dispenser??
Me: Yes nah, where I for drink before?
Asamoah: No nah! The Dispenser liquor was not
meant for you.. It was meant for special people.
Me: Special people? As how?
Asamoah: It contained some ….. (He called a drug I
didn’t care to know.. (Or I can’t just remember?)
But all I know was it was an Aphrodicodi.)
Me: Guy, you don put me for wahala be dat nah,
where you want make I go now?
Asamoah: What’s your blood group?
Me: I don’t know man.. Talk to me!!!!!! (I said with
some energy.. Wait.. Blood group? Me wey never go
hospital for almost 9years? I dey sick? Why I go
know my blood group? Mtchewwww.. )
Asamoah: ummm! For it to take that long before it
had effect on you, then you must be O+.
Me: Guy! Bone science, wetin I go do? This tin don
dey wound me nah! ( , I didn’t know it has not
Asamoah: Chill! Can you come to Wadbash Hotel?
Let me arrange babes for you to ease the spirits.
Me: I told you I can never faaaxck an ashewo.. (I
said with a face I tink I inherited from my Dad ..
Had it be I know!!!!!)
Asamoah: Ehehehe(he laughed).. You never
understand. That water dispenser was special!!!
*Convo cut short (Una too like Amebo.. Ahan!!!!!!!)*
I dropped the Call and ran into the bathroom to mastulabate.. This was what Asamoah suggested since I didn’t wanted to Bleep(saving the stress of nairaland auto correct so I wrote BLEEP) an Ashieawo.. I have heard once or twice that Mageni Buratashi (an aphrodisiac the northerners sells) kills if you don’t have s*x in between 24hours of taking it. I even heard a story of how a woman had to offer herself to her son to bleep(shocking right?) Just because no girl was ready to ease him off his overdosed Buratashi(let’s call it the Nigerian Viagra ). Thanks to my aboki friend from maiduguri(Up till now, I never trust that guy.. MAIDUGURI.. Capital of which state is that?) who told me things about that Viagra some months back. Now am scared as hell! (Something just ministered to me that a girl and a boy actually recited the “State and Capital” song of those days just to be able tell the state in which maiduguri is it capital… The thing say make I ask you “How many days does august have in a calendayr ?? ) And to even think that drugs works X 2 when used with vodka, I had to shorten my own 24hours to 12hours (Simple maths.. DM me so I will proof how I did it.. NOTE: This message is for the Females only ) It was like 12pm and I had 3hours more(fear my maths).. For the first time in 3years, I started believing my mind while I masturlabated. Like it was telling me “You Will Go 5Rounds gan!”.. And I believed like say na One popular G.O prophesy am . Before before, if it tells me “You will go to rounds”, I go just yawn and not yield to his advice.. Hence I go do the straphing and resting style . *Na you holy pass? Shift!!!!* 5mins in, no rest, all straphing with my hands and nothing came out? It seemed the anxiety even angered the hormones.. Come see lagbaja dey fear . I didn’t even need to imagine any Lisa ann or Joyce’s bosoms, or Faith’s pussay hole before I gained an attention. The thing just stand like say na Status of Goliath. “Baba! I need your help oh.. If you save me from this, I no go enter party again.. I no go straaf anygirl until I marry, but I had to rethink that prayer. (I heard lagbaja shout “Shattap there! Till you marry? Make the both of us better die here oh! You wan kill me?” )..