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Few months after my wedding with Iyoaye, we
decided that instead of both of us doing the
business, I should return back to the church
and continue to work there. I discussed with
the Head Pastor and he was glad to re – absorb
me. I resumed back to work there with speed
and alacrity. But on the day I resumed back I
was summoned to the meeting with the Church
Board. After I entered I was ushered to sit
Head Pastor: Bro Collins, we are happy to have
you back. Infact, the new Accountant just
messed up our books and committed serious
Me: Thank you sir.
Elder Garba: The Accountant, I am happy that
you are back to the church office. I hope this
time around you will not “run” away again like
you did the other time
Me: No sir. I wont run away.
Head Pastor: Accountant, you have to reconcile
all the accounts from the very day you left to
the last service. External Auditors from the
Main Church will be returning back next week
to check back the books and let me tell you
this; we were about planning to meet you when
you called us if you can come back.
Me: I feel honoured sir.
Deacon Gbade: Pastor, hope this our new
accountant won’t be chasing girls in the
Head Pastor: No!!!! even when he was with us
the first time, he had a stainless record for not
messing up with the ladies in this church. So I
can vouchsafe him anywhere anytime.
Me: [(thinking) ti Pasito yii ba mo nnkan ti mo
dan-wo (if Pastor knew what I did, he won’t be
saying this)] I did not and will not do such.
Deacon Gbade: Ok. But accountant know that I
am watching you.
As soon as I got to my office, I discovered that
the place was seriously dusty. I beckoned to the
cleaner to come and clean the office. After
cleaning the office, I settled for the day’s job.
No longer when I settled I heard a knock on the
Me: come in.
When the person entered I was rooted to the
spot! She had the body of Chika Ike but had
the complexion of Caroline Ekanem…
surprisingly it was Ritababe!
Ritababe: Accountant welcome back.
Me: Thank you dear. And how is work?
Ritababe: Work is going on fine. But Collins, you
really offended me. You eventually did your
wedding with Iyoaye. Thank God you are back. I
promise that you will pay.
Me: (mogbe) abi mot i gbo ni?. (I no hear that
one ooo)
(Flashback) Ritababe has been a lady I fancied
in the choir. We were close and most times she
calls me pet names whenever she had the
chance. One day when we went to the youth
camp, we sneaked to a very secluded and dark
area of the camp where we had s*x; I
deflowered her that night and afterwards she
had been a pain on my neck that she wanted to
marry me. I tried my best to avoid her because
my people were against both of us settling
down but she was adamant. (She was Igbo
while I was Yoruba)….the usual intercom jerked
me back to life
Me: hello
Assistant Pastor: Please Accountant come to my
Me: ok (call ends)
Ritababe: a tun ma ri’ra (we will see later)
When I got to the Assistant Pastor, guess who I
saw, MattKelly!
MattKelly: Padi mi to sure ju…….
Me: Eh! Mattkelly!! you A pastor I was
Mattkelly: Padi mi na me ooo. You are surprised
abi? At least Saul was converted and he
became Paul.
We both laughed. Then I asked
Me: what about Pst. Onihaxy?
Mattkelly: don’t mind the guy. He was caught
smooching a girl in his office by the Head Pastor
and was dismissed summarily. But the lady
stopped coming to church.
Me: well….Pst. Mattkelly, I hope you don
Mattkelly: well baba God don arrest me sha. But
by the way, I heard you are married.
Me: yes I am married.
Mattkelly: na you be boss o.
Me: My pastor, if I be boss you be senior
I returned to my office only to discover that I
have 13 missed calls. Four were from my wife
and the remaining nine from an unknown
number. I called my wife and spoke to her but
after making the call, I called the other number
Me: good morning I missed your call
The person: I know that you won’t miss me; it is
the call that you will miss. This is Dcns. Emeka.
Me: Aiyeraye oooo. E ku ojo meta (it has been a
long time)
Dcns. Emeka: I know other women would have
been competing with me.
Me: no ooo. I have stopped all these. And
besides I’m married
Dcns. Emeka: What You got married and you
didn’t tell me
Me: it is not like that ma. My phone was flashed
and I forgot to remove the sim and all contacts
were wiped off from it.
Dcns. Emeka: o ga o. well sha I’m not annoyed.
Just wanna tell you that I am back.
Me: that is great. What did you bring for your
Dcns. Emeka: Collins, I heard that you have left
the church some months back.
Me: yes I did. With the consent of my wife, I
called the Head Pastor and he was happy to
reabsorb me.
Dcns Emeka: that’s lovely. But who is she?
Me: sis. Iyoaye.
Dcns Emeka: mtchewwww. Accountant, o se mi
(you have offended me)
Me: what happened ma
She ended the call. I loaded airtime on my
phone and called her back
Me: Aunty what happened
Dcns Emeka: I thought that i will have you for
the weekend. Don’t you know that I have
missed your OPA-MOSE?
Me: lol. Ma er….please try to understand…..i
er…..know that….
Dcns Emeka: (cuts in) meet me at our usual
spot tomorrow by 6pm
Me: but ma….
Dcns Emeka: bye (ends call)
I sat in my office pondering on what I have
dragged myself into. How will I handle Dcns.
Emeka How also will I handle Ritababe


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Fast forward the next day. I decided to close in
the office early. As I was tidying up my office
Ritababe entered.
Ritababe: Accountant, where are you going?
Me: I want to close early so as to go home.
Ritababe: Ekun fun ‘ra re (strongman himself)
Me: iwo lo mo (na you sabi).
As I was talking, a call entered and when I
checked the screen, it was Dcns. Emeka
Dcns Emeka: hope you are on your way?
Me: no. I am still in the office
Dcns Emeka: I will be waiting (ends call)
Ritababe; is that mummy calling you?
Me: no. it is a friend.
Ritababe: a friend? (she sneered)
Me: abegi leave me alone jare.
As soon as I was leaving my office, she pulled
me back and kissed me. I responded by kissing
her back and squeezed her Weapons of Mass
Defence. She stopped abruptly, went to her
office, locked the place up and before she
returned from her office, I have locked the door
of my office and went home. As soon as I got
downstairs at the main gate, I saw Dcns
Emeka’s car. I wanted to run back inside but
she has already seen me. I went up to her and
greeted her
Dcns Emeka: I knew that you will not want to
come that was why I came to wait for you
outside the church premises. Can we go now?
A part of me wanted to go but another part of
me was reacting against it. While
contemplating about what to do, she held me
by the hand and pulled me towards her car. We
got to her private guest house and I was
ushered in. the place was furnished up to taste
and one thing I saw is that the walls, interior
decoration, chairs, floor tiles were all painted
blue. She immediately jumped on me and
started kissing me. We continued that but
suddenly my phone started ringing……..guess
who was calling me
Iyoaye: dear, when will you be coming back
Me: I went somewhere urgent but I will be at
home before 8.30pm
Iyoaye: don’t stay long dear.
After the call has ended I saw Dcns Emeka
frowning her face
Dcns Emeka: why did she have to call at this
time (she turned her back on me)
Me: ma, that is my wife
Dcns. Emeka: before nko? I hope you told her
that I was the one taking care of you before you
got married
Me: (laughed) mummy, you are funny. Well I
didn’t forget that at all ma
Dcns Emeka: I had to run back to Nigeria
because my husband got a new job at World
Bank and he is currently in Geneva branch of
the bank and trust the kids, they followed their
father. And I have been starved of straffing.
Me: (standing in front of her and holding her
hands) Sweet-pie, I am happy that you still
have feelings for me and you could still come
back to eat my sweet BANANA…..but dear, I’m
married. I can’t be bleeping you like before
again. And for me to be back in the church
working as the Church Accountant all eyes will
be on me and on every of my movement. Please
try to understand ma.
Looking into her eyes I saw passion burning in
there and I decided to leave. As soon as I
turned my back about going, she held me at
my back and started crying. I cleaned the tears
from her eyes but the more I cleaned it the
more it freely flows. I held her head up and
kissed her; she responded back and this time
the kissing was more intense than before. I took
off her shirt and unhooked her bra. I touched
the tip of the Weapon of Mass Defence and
started rubbing it gently. As I wanted to start
sucking her bosoms, a call came into my
phone….alas, it was my wife
Iyoaye: dear, I remembered that I have to go
for a night programme at that place I discussed
with you last week.
Me: why are you just telling me?
Iyoaye: I am sorry for not informing you since
morning. Though, I had prepared something for
Me: ok dear, take care of yourself (call ends)
After the call was ended, I couldn’t see Dcns
Emeka but I was hearing water splashing in the
bathroom. I sneaked into the room, undressed
myself and went into the bathroom. She was
backing the door and was crying. I cupped her
Weapons of Mass Defence from the back and I
squeezed it. She responded by grinding her
Weapon of Mass Destruction to my hips. I
turned her and started kissing her. Then, I went
to her t!ts and started sucking it hungrily. She
was moaning like Sagem phone. Then I went
straight down to her holiest. As soon as I got
there, I discovered the place was thicker than
sambisa forest. I stopped and looked at her
Dcns Emeka: I’m sorry the place is bushy. I left
it like that since my husband did not Bleep me
I lost interest immediately and I stood up, left
the bathroom and cleaned myself up. She came
in later to join me on the bed
Dcns Emeka: accountant why are you doing
Me: nothing.
Dcns Emeka: so why didn’t you Bleep me?
Me: I’m no longer in the mood
Dcns Emeka stood up and went to the drawer
and took from a bag shaving stick and she sat
down and shaved her holiest clean. When she
did, she spread it out wide and I was seeing the
Ark of the Covenant. Like someone who is under
a spell, I went straight for her holiest and
started sucking it.
Dcns Emeka: (in between moans) I know you
like it……ushhh….you should have said so……
pleeeeeeeeeeeeeaasssseeeee stoppppp ittttt.
I was sucking it and as the same time I was
blowing air into the holiest. I tongue – bleeped
her and she was gibberish. After a while she
climaxed and she was panting heavily.
Dcns Emeka: please Bleep me
I was about going to the cabinet assuming that
I will find a pack of cd, she pulled me back and
I fell on the bed. She straddled me and was
riding me slowly at first then she increased her
tempo as she progressed. She was saying all
unprintables, and she was scattering her hair
like a Rasta man. I squeezed her Weapon of
Mass Defence and in reply she was riding my
OPA-MOSE furiously. We changed positions I
carried her to the table, laid her there, her
Weapon of Mass destruction was looking at me.
I spread her legs and entered her from the
back. we bleeped in that position for about 10
minutes before turning her with her back on
the table, rested her legs on my shoulders and
entered her. What I noticed is that her holiest
was very hot and tight. We bleeped in that
position for about 5 minutes. We went to the
bed and I spooned her. She couldn’t control it
any longer and we both exploded powerfully.
After we rested for about 30 minutes,
Me: ebi n pami (I’m hungry)
Dcns. Emeka: I am hungry too
Me: but after eating I am going home
Dcns Emeka: for where? You ain’t going
anywhere boy. You are here with me till
Me: lailai. Ko jo rara (it is impossible)
After we ate dinner, I called Iyoaye again to
confirm if she had left for the place. When it has
been confirmed, I turned to her
Me: Dcns. Emeka, I saw the picture you
uploaded on your whatsapp when you delivered
in London
Dcns. Emeka: the baby looks like you. (she took
her phone out, and showed me pictures of the
Me: omo ti Ogidan ba bi, Ogidan ni n jo (the
child the tiger bore resembles the tiger)
Dcns. Emeka: hhunnmm hunnmm you would
have said that the child that an elephant bore
resembles the giraffe….. (she lightly punches
Me: ahhhhh Dcns….. ma show yin lale yii……
I started chasing her all around the house and
we were doing like little children. I caught her
and we both fell on the bed together…..i
holding her Weapons of Mass Defence from the
Me: I’d wish that you were younger than I……
we would have married each other…….
Dcns. Emeka: me too
We cuddled each other till when we both slept
I woke up about three hours later when I
perceived a smell of incense blowing in the
room. When I stood up I realized that I laid
down in the midst of a large hall. I saw a group
of unclad women surrounded me and making
some chants. I wanted to stand up but I
realized that I was tied down. Then their leader
Leader: I greet every initiate
All: isee
Leader: may the great mysterious and mighty
bird be with us all
All: isee
Leader: as you can see, a meat has been
brought to us this year…..(when I heard that I
started shaking) and we want to appreciate the
person who brought the meat. (everyone
started laughing) but first let’s check the level
of the meat
I wanted to say something but it was like I was
gagged in my throat. I started crying. After
they consulted the oracle it was found that I
was not suitable to be used. Then the leader
Leader: Idowu Emeka why did you bring this
meat Well you have to provide another meat
before 48 hours. Then the leader came to
where I was tied down and went straight to my
OPA-MOSE. As soon as she took it to her mouth
and started sucking it I woke up to a feeling on
Dcns Idowu Emeka was sucking my OPA-MOSE
hungrily. But the speed at which she was
gagging it I was seriously scared thinking that it
will suffocate her. After a while she straddled
me and started riding me in reverse cowgirl
position and I was rubbing her back at the
same time. After then we switched to canine
style and we bleeped as sl^ts and we exploded
together. After we rested till around quarter to
six in the morning, I went quickly to shower
and prepared to run home before Iyoaye will
come home. When I was through
Dcns Emeka: I wished that you will be with me
all through today
Me: Dcns you know that it is not possible now.
Dcns Emeka: I know but can we do one more
Me: (for my mind “Alakoba niyin sha” – this
woman want to implicate me) no ma!
Dcns Emeka: ok I don hear you. Pick up that
envelope that is on the desk.
After appreciating her I picked the envelope
and left the place. As soon as I got home, I
quickly changed to my pajamas so that Iyoaye
will not suspect that I was just getting home. I
didn’t know when I slept off.




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