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I was awoken with the aroma of food Halima
prepared. Then I rushed to prepare and ate the
food with speed. When I got to the office I
checked my phone. I discovered that I had 23
missed calls from my wife, 13 from the Head
Pastor, 10 from Pst. Mattkelly and 4 SMS. I
quickly recharged my line and called the Head
Pastor. I went to Pst. Mattkelly’s office and I
found it locked. Then I tried calling my wife
Iyoaye: Ife, where have you been for the past 4
hours? I have been trying your number and you
have not been picking it
Me: ma binu. I forgot my phone at home this
morning and I have to rush back home to pick
Iyoaye: o ga o. so if any emergency happen
now, is this how you will do?
Me: I have pleaded that you should not be
Iyoaye: it is well. I want to tell you that we’ve
gotten to Ijebu – ‘jesa and currently I am at
Mummy Marvellous house. Very soon we will
continue our journey.
Me: wow. So fast….well sha we’ll talk later.
Iyoaye: call me or send airtime.
Me: bayi n ti e (as usual) I will recharge you.
Iyoaye: ok love. Take care…..oops I almost
forgot. Please help me to tell foreman that he
should ensure that the proceeds should be
remitted to your account.
Me: (worried) why should it be my account?
Iyoaye: sweetheart please let him remit it in
Me: I yaf hear. Ok; will talk to you later.
Iyoaye: ok take care love. (call ends)
Little did I know that drama just want to start
After the call I tried working in the office. But
the more I tried the more I wasn’t focused. I
decided to call Ritababe
Me: Sweerie how far?
Ritababe: the badoski himself
Me: wa je’gba si’di (I will whip your a5s)
Ritababe: I just managed the one we did at
Me: you no well. When will you have time?
Ritababe: will you come to my house now?
Me: ah ah! I thought you will be in the office.
But let’s see what will happen. (thought for a
while) ok I will be coming within the hour
Ritababe: ok I will prepare something for my
husband (ends call)
As soon as I was through, I saw a Whatsapp
notification from Halima on my phone “Do you
like this? I am Hot and I am waiting” and a
picture of her holiest. I decided to call her
Me: Halima do you want to implicate me?
Halima: Collins, I really need it soo baaaaaad
Me: can we s3x chat?
Halima: (purred) yes
We s3x chatted for some minutes and when
she was satisfied I ensured that all the chats
and the picture was deleted. When I was
through, I called Pst. Mattkelly
Me: Pst. the Badoski. I checked you in the office
but it was locked.
Pst. Mattkelly: Accounts, I went out ni jare.
Me: tau. Bring something for the Levite
Pst. Mattkelly: mo ti gbo (ends call)
When I checked the time it was around three in
the afternoon. As I was about rounding up and
closing for the day, I saw an alert on my phone
notifying me of a transfer of twenty million Naira
into my account. I immediately called my
Account officer and he informed me that it was
transferred from another bank. When he told
me of the alert and the source bank it is coming
from, I discovered it was from my wife’s
company account. I tried calling her line but it
was switched off. I called her mum’s line also it
rang but she did not picked it. After trying her
number for some time and it was not
connecting I decided to rush down to the
company to see the foreman.
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When I was through, I decided to go to
Ritababe’s house but my body was not allowing
me to go. I decided to call her line but she
didn’t pick up. After several attempts I gave up
and I went home. As soon as I got home I saw
my neighbour surprisingly.
Me: Mama Tee, e lo mo ni? (Did you change
your mind about the trip?)
Mama Tee: Daddi….. a message was sent
cancelling the training.
ME: so how is my Oga?
Mama Tee: he has left for Lagos. But wait o. I
saw your wife some hours ago.
Me: what? She did not tell me she will be back.
Mama Tee: I did not say that she returned. She
came in took some bags and left.
Me: What the Bleep
I tried calling her lines but it was not reachable.
I tried calling her mum too her number wasn’t
going through too. I decided to wait for some
minutes and decided to use Mama Tee’s
number to call her and funny enough, she
picked it at the first ring
Mama Tee: Wifey….. awayu?
Iyoaye: I dey jare. (I was shocked)
Mama Tee: where you come be now? We all are
Iyoaye: hmmm. Aunty Tee oro po ninu iwe kobo
(it is a long story)
Mama Tee: I trust you. But I saw you in the
evening coming to pick your bags
Iyoaye: yes I forgot to take them along.
(where I was I was boiling but I kept my cool)
Mama Tee: but what is happening my dear
Iyoaye: let me whatsapp you. I will explain
Both of them started chatting. After a couple of
minutes, I hid my number and called her
Me: Iyo what is the bleeping problem with you
I called your number and you switched off
your phone. Kwanu
Iyoaye: (hissed) Mr. Man stop disturbing me.
Me: Iyo Emi How dare you (she ended
I decided not to call her or her mum that night.
The following morning I called her brother
Me: Sir, ever since my wife claimed to have
travelled, she is not picking my calls again
Mr Franklin: ki lo so wipe oun je t’o fi n s’iwa wu
bayen (what made her bold to act in such a
Me: I don’t know sir. Even I have been trying
mummy since but she has not been picking her
Mr Franklin: oops. Mum has travelled out. She’s
currently in Azerbaijan for a conference. Even
when she called you that day, she was already
in the airport.
Me: ok. Okan mi n sese bale ni (feeling relaxed)
but what about my wife issue?
Mr Franklin: I will talk to her and definitely she
will call you.
Me: thank you sir
Mr Franklin: ok dear. Take care (ends call)
I was getting confused; why would my wife just
changed suddenly? I was in that dilemma when
Halima came and meet me
Halima: Daddi (mimicking her elder sister)
Me: I am not fine o. my wife came yesterday
and took her things away.
Halima: what do you think about it?
Me: I no know. Abeg I am hungry.
Halima wanted to come closer with her Weapon
of Mass Defence but her sister was outside.
After a while my phone rang
Iyoaye: well done Collins. You reported me to
Mama Tee that I didn’t pick your call abi?
Me: emi Mee Iyo, aja ti lo n fe wole t’ekun o
setan lati f’eje we (the dog that want to dare
the tiger should be ready to be used as isi –
ewu) I have been trying to call you since
yesterday and instead of you apologising, you
are shouting at me. HOW DARE YOU
Iyoaye: (hissed and ends call)
Me: (facing Halima) see this ingrate o; insulting
me on the phone
Halima: how is your wife now an ingrate?
Me: she travelled yesterday, I have been trying
to reach her but she was not picking my calls.
Then she is calling me to complain that I
reported her to your sister.
Instead of Halima to talk, she placed a kiss on
my lips. Thereafter, I prepared to go to the
office. When I got to the office, I locked up
myself in the office all day; not attending to
calls, visitors. But I got an SMS from Jane
informing me of her visit. When she came over,
I opened the door for her and exchanging
pleasantries she sat down
Jane: how are you and madam?
Me: we are all fine. What brought the almighty
Jane to my office?
Jane: there is a particular account I observed
you have not been funding so I want to know
Me: hmmm….the account has been moved to
Jane: why did you move the account?
Me: acting on the instruction of the church
Jane: hope you wont move the other three
accounts from our branch
Me: it’s left to your bank.
Jane: will you have free time this evening?
Me: technically, and barring all unforeseen
circumstances, I will be free.
Jane: I will text an address to you. Can we meet
Me: sure. But is it a date? (winking at her)
Jane: (winked back) if you call it so.
Me: ok ooo. I will be expecting your SMS.
Jane: thank you sir.
As she was heading to the door, I hugged her
from behind and squeezed her Weapon of Mass
Defence. A little moan escaped from her and
she turned her head to face me
Jane: don’t let me stain your lips ok?
Me: stain am…….
Jane: don’t worry. We’ll see in the evening.